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It’s probably a good thing that all the religious holidays—Christmas, Easter, Halloween—have a large candy aspect, and some fanciful, imaginary characters to symbolize them. That way those of us who are not followers of organized religion can still go to Wal-Mart and buy hundreds of dollars in holiday-associated crap and decorations, so we can celebrate with everyone else, without actually believing any of it. Now we’re coming up on Easter, the most far-fetched of the Christian holidays. A bold claim, to be sure, but let’s take a look at this springtime celebration, shall we? First off, why in the hell can’t they just pick a date and go with it? I never know when Easter is, because it falls on the first Sunday after Opening Day, but before the next new moon, unless it happens to be a year that’s a prime number, or a week with two Thursdays, and then add three days. Your guess is as good as mine.

Easter, the Most Bogus of Holidays

It’s probably a good thing that all the religious holidays—Christmas, Easter, Halloween—have a large candy aspect, and some fanciful, imaginary characters to symbolize them. That way those of us who are not followers of organized religion can still go to Wal-Mart and buy hundreds of dollars in holiday-associated crap and decorations, so we can celebrate with everyone else, without actually believing any of it.

Now we’re coming up on Easter, the most far-fetched of the Christian holidays. A bold claim, to be sure, but let’s take a look at this springtime celebration, shall we? First off, why in the hell can’t they just pick a date and go with it? I never know when Easter is, because it falls on the first Sunday after Opening Day, but before the next new moon, unless it happens to be a year that’s a prime number, or a week with two Thursdays, and then add three days. Your guess is as good as mine.

Then there’s the resurrection itself. For those of you who always clam up in the “Bible Quotes” category on Jeopardy, I’ll break it down for you. Easter celebrates the resurrection of Christ, which is the very foundation of the Christian faith. According to the story, the perforated body of Christ was placed in a tomb after he died on the cross. Three days later the tomb was discovered to be empty, and rather than call the cops, his followers declared that he had risen from the dead and bolted.

Now, I don’t want to turn this into CSI:Gethsemane, but I can see several holes in this story. First of all, the cave into which Jesus’ body was placed was sealed off with a large rock. By all accounts, Jesus was kind of a “scrawny dude,” (Spicoli, Book of Duderonomy, 4:20) and did not possess the strength to move a massive rock by himself, especially in his wounded, emaciated condition. Not to mention being dead. So he had some help. One popular theory is that a band of opportunistic Roman soldiers crept into the cave at night, and stole the body of Christ so they could later sell the shroud he was wrapped in on eBay.

For argument’s sake, let’s say Jesus was able to overcome his mortal wounds, spring back to life, and muster the strength to slide a heavy boulder aside enough to escape the cave. Where did he go? Did he check into the Mount Olive Super 8 to get cleaned up and chillax with some Domino’s pizza and SportsCenter? No one knows for sure.

According to legend, I mean the Bible, there were several sightings. In 1 Corinthians 15:3-6, Paul said the following: “For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; And that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the scriptures: And that He was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve: After that, He was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep.”

Cephas (real name Simon; Cephas was his street name) was a bit of a boozer (“And the one called Cephas shall be known to linger with thy grape wrapped in thine bag of brown paper”), and was likely blotto when Jesus appeared to him after the resurrection. Jesus said, “Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona…I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven.”

Cephas had no idea what he was talking about, but reported it to the authorities anyway, in exchange for enough shekels to buy a short dog of muscatel. And as for the “500 brethren,” it sounds like your typical mass hallucination, common to UFO sightings in the Midwest. I’m sorry, but these “eyewitnesses” just don’t supply the hard evidence we need to prove this resurrection theory. I know there was no photography 2,000 years ago, but couldn’t somebody who saw him post-burial have sat down and whipped out a quick oil painting? Maybe one of Jesus holding that day’s newspaper?

From miracle worker to death-cheater to Son of God, this Jesus was one magical cat. I’m sorry if this article offends the devout among you, but I just wanted to point out why I do not buy into the whole Easter story. But, as they say, whatever gets you through the night. I could get behind the original Easter celebration, which was a pagan rite of spring and rebirth called Estre. The Christian sect absorbed it, however, when enough pagans were converted to Christianity to obtain a majority in the House.

So this non-believer will be joining in the whole Easter Bunny ritual, eating chocolate rabbits for breakfast while the kids roam the yard, searching for colored eggs and candy. I just hope there’s not a piñata. Those things give me the heebie-jeebies.

[Thou shalt bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire at thy earliest convenience. And please forward this column to someone who will appreciate it. Thanks.]

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87 comments

  1. jedediah Redman

    Well done!

  2. Im sure this piece will land you on some kind of suspected terrorist watch list……kiss your passport good-bye!!

  3. I never understood the 3 days later thing. Sunday is not 3 days after Friday, right? Not ‘3 days later’, but ‘on the 3rd day’.

    I’ve been holding Bob’s passport for 3 years now, in case I need to disappear in a hurry (after losing 11 inches of height and wingspan). Now I need a new out. Damn.

  4. Best of luck with the hate mail Bob. I’ll buy you a new letter opener and a flack jacket.

  5. I’ll save you a seat next to me on the bus ride to hell. It’ll be warm n’ all, but at least we won’t be spending eternity with some asshole who told George Bush to blow the snot out of Iraq.

  6. Hold It!!! Now we need the Bobcliffe Notes on Judaism, Islam, Mormonism, and Witchcraft. I have a particular interest in the 72 virgins, crossing the bar on sand while the sea has parted, if Joe Smith wasn’t really a fictional name for a guy who dreamed up a story about his time at the Dew Drop Inn, and how many Newts does it take to embroil Congress. Fair is fair. You can’t stop with goring only one ox.

  7. Bob,
    your irritation with religious tradition is understandable and has been expressed by millions of people before you.
    I’d recommend you refrain from publishing about it, though, since your knowledge about Christian faith seems to be quite minimal.
    Why would you want to write something in your column about something you know next to nothing about, knowing that you will offend some folks?

  8. Oh my God – I blew a wee bit o’ snot reading this! Thanks for the giant belly laugh! Like you, I’m going nowhere in the blink of an eye.

  9. Allow me to present you with the Christopher Hitchens Award, Bob. I actually liked the piece, sort of pseudo-Menckenesque. But would you have the balls to write one slamming, say, Islam, making fun of a holiday like Ramadan? I think not. Pat Robertson isn’t going to issue a fatwa and send people over from your local Assembly of God church to cut your head off. Your impugning of Christian faith is a cliche’ designed to amuse the vast “progressively” subliterate New West audience.Are you suffering writer’s block since returning from your adventures in Sin City?What’s next,Bob? Those homophobic Mormons? There’s a juicy one. Probably hasn’t been done before.It’s a swell idea….I’ve read it a second time, Bob. Substitute pseudo-Menckenesque with pseudo-Dave Barryesque. Maybe New West can reprint it in five years as one of your Greatest Hits.

  10. Hysterical! I nearly peed my pants!

    Thanks for the laugh on an otherwise dreary holiday.

    As ACDC sings “Hell ain’t a bad place to be!”

  11. Two faced.
    You’ll buy all the “crap” and put your kids through the “celebration?” If your nonbeliefs are so strong, then perhaps it would be more consistent from an intellectual and ethical standpoint to just skip it all.
    I’m not religious by any means, but would never openly castigate someone else’s religion, except for maybe environmentalists….I hate it when they try to ram their ideology down everyone’s throat.
    And Crokester has a good point. Buddha and Mohammed next?

  12. Jesus was a Capricorn-he ate organic foods.
    He believed in love and peace and never wore no shoes.
    Long hair, beard and sandals and a funky bunch of friends.
    I reckon they’d just nail him up if he came down again!!

    an environmentalist!

  13. I LOL’d.
    This is good stuff.

  14. Larry Kralj, Environmental Rangers!

    Elk-with-the-runs, you REALLY should attribute that quote to the guy who wrote it, Kris Kristofferson. It’s a great song BTW.

  15. May you rot in Hell! You must be possessed by Satan himself! Questioning the divinity of Jesus Christ, son of God! Hang the infidel by his testicles! Draw and quarter him! Torture him to death! How dare you! May Peter Cottontail bit you and give you Rabies! By the Holy underwear of the Prince of Peace, Son of God, may you be damned for Eternity!!!!!!

  16. Yes!! Jesus is Lord.

  17. As we travel through this life from day to day, Let’s each keep in mind, whether we truly realize it or not we only live from heart beat to heart beat.

    If that beat stops…we can then say good by to this world and hello to Jesus…or what ever master we’ve accepted in life. Of course, Jesus is the one that the bulk of humanity want to say hello to…but will they?

    The Bible says: straight is the gate and narrow is the way that leads to life, and few there be who find it. Because wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction many there by that go in there at.

    Warm Regards

    William Dunigan
    My most receantly published book. http://www.eloquentbooks.com/BeyondTheGoldenSunsetAndByTheCrystalSea.html

  18. New West overpays you.

  19. Why would anybody feel a need to ridicule the religion of another American?
    Nobody, no matter what thy believe, really knows the truth.
    All we have is our beliefs and faith. Some people need those beliefs to get them through from day to day. As Americans, we ALL have a right to our religious beliefs. To christians, Easter is the most important holy day of the year, and they don’t need children who claim to be proffesionals ridiculing them.
    Try to think like a big boy and have some respect for the readers of this publication.

  20. Keep poking the bear Bob…
    Pissing off Christains is not only good for heart, it also promotes positive mental health.

  21. Johnny Thundersockeye

    What a shame to stoop to such an embarrasingly pathetic level of insensitivity to draw attention to their own empty-hearted opinion.By attempting to slam power and supernatural energy that the author doesnt even begin to understand,it becomes painfully clear exactly how lost and vain so many in this weary world are!!Wow, its not like the we don’t already have enough negative senseless attacks upon one anothers personalities and beliefs.How could the tomb have been removed ? IT’S CALLED THE POWER OF GOD!!! And I hope for the authors sake he discovers it in,a gentle ,serene way rather than the severe supernatural ass-whipping he’ inviting upon himself by such disrespect.Mickey,as offensive as his drivel is you know We should pray for him rather than damning him.He’s going to need it!

  22. What does a column like this have to do with the purpose and mission of NewWest?

    Do the editors of NewWest want to create a website where people get into religious debates and some writers (such as Mr. Wire) publish inflammatory pieces that seem to have no purpose other than ridiculing a religion?

    It baffles me why you would publish this column. I realize this in your Community Blogs section and thus one person’s opinion, but it has nothing to do with development, The West, environmental issues, or any of the other topics your website stands for. It seems designed purely to inflame Christian readers.

    I suggest you exercise a little editorial control if you want to keep readers coming back.

  23. This is and was my first look at your web. Now my last. This is not how people see things. What ever you have been smoking please send some to the White House. They could use it.

    P.S. Watch out for the bunny? Just kidding. Happy Easter.

  24. Although your column seems wacky, you have some valid points.

    First, that Christmas, Easter and Halloween have become mega-commercialized. By the way, I’ve never seen chocolate crosses. If no one has come up with that idea, think of the millions of bucks someone could make.

    Secondly, that the date-setting formula for Easter is peculiar. I’d be happy with, say, the first Sunday in April.

    Another peeve of mine is November 11 (in Canada it is Remembrance Day). Millions of people get the day off to honour veterans and those who lost their lives in wars, yet only a feeblel percentage of those holiday-loving folks even think about why they have the day off let alone taking an hour out of their day to attend a public service. (Tongue in cheek: Perhaps someone needs to sell chocolate poppies.)

    Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

  25. This isn’t about getting the day off, or whether GOD exists, or if Jesus moved a rock. It’s about the absolute lack of respect this guy seems to have for the readers of this publication.
    There are certain words we can’t say without getting banned for being patently offensive to certain “protected minorities”, yet the vast majority of hard working people in this country can be made fun of, called names, and made fools of on a daily basis without anything being said. Maybe it’s time for the majority to stop reading this blog.

  26. Elk-with-the-runs

    “”Elk-with-the-runs, you REALLY should attribute that quote to the guy who wrote it, Kris Kristofferson. It’s a great song BTW.””

    “Elk-with-the-runs” LOL yeah maybe that will keep the wolves at bay!! LOL Too much chocolate Easter bunnies.

    So Kris wrote that song?

    That little jingle always comes into my head whenever pinheads try to discuss Christian religion. Yep Jesus was a well dressed clean cut shaven white guy with blond hair and blue eyes!!. He was a carpenter by trade so he must have wanted to clear cut every forest he came to!! Hah

    “”‘Cos everybody’s got to have somebody to look down on.
    Who they can feel better than at anytime they please.
    Someone doin’ somethin’ dirty, decent folks can frown on.
    If you can’t find nobody else, then help yourself to me.

    Egg Head’s cousin Red Neck’s cussin’ hippies for their hair.
    Others laugh at straights who laugh at freaks who laugh at squares.
    Some folks hate the whites who hate the blacks who hate the clan.
    Most of us hate anything that we don’t understand.””

    (Kris Kristofferson)

    OHHHHHH so true!!!

    BTW I have to laugh at this article that generated all these fine comments.

  27. good idea, see ya Tom!

  28. Congratulations, Bob. You are such a compelling writer that you have a crowd of followers who read every word you write just so they can then leave a predictably disapproving comment. You are like the Salman Rushdie of western Montana. A “severe supernatural ass-whipping,” indeed.

    Easter is my favorite Christian-co-opted pagan holiday. It’s just a big fertility ritual: Eggs and rabbits, think about it. The Goddess lives!

  29. Greetings to one and all in that mighty name of our Lord, and Savior, Jesus, the Christ, the “Anointed One”.

    In writing this post I know there’s many through out the entire world, of whose mind dwells, or at least mildly ponders this subject quite often. With some, even having dreams about such at times as well.

    Many also would like to find a person/person’s, of whom would be able to prove to them, beyond a shadow of a doubt, this to actually exist. Not being able to do that, their next hope would be, someone who could prove this to be only a myth, or false hope’s on some people’s part.

    I, myself, am a fulltime writer and an ordained minister. I’ve also spent many years trusting in the Bible and its teachings. I’ve also spent about ten years as sending out a Bible Study on the internet. What I’m saying here is: I’m no novice by no means, in fact, I’m well qualified to speak on this subject. For down through the years I’ve been well rooted and grounded in the Word of God..

    Thomas, who has down through time been know by Bible believers as doubting Tomas was only convinced Jesus to have been truly the one who was crucified and resurrected, after Jesus let him feel the nail prints within his side and hands.

    Jesus said unto them: blessed are they who see and then believe, but greater blessings rest upon them who have not seen and still believe. There were many signs shown to those that lived within Jesus’ day. Seeing is not always believing as we all know.

    Sure God could roll back the heavens and enable all to see the mighty works of his hands or the home of the departed soul’s who have put their trust in him.
    We live within a day and time now wherein there are all kinds of filtering systems. Why do we need or even want such around. There’s just many things we want to be private. There are things as well that we don’t want to share even with our closest friend. Also we want our water system well filtered in a good many city’s and our computer has filtering systems, to keep out the undesired and let that which is desired flow freely.

    There’s an old gospel song that goes something like this: if you want to go to heaven you must come in by the door. That door my friend is Jesus. Not only the knowing about him, but being strongly bonded together with him. That bonding glue is faith. The Bible says: they that come to him must believe that He is: and that he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him.

    So you see: believing: is the filtering system used by our Almighty God. Yes, Jesus is the door true enough…but it’s faith that unlocks the door. How do we get faith if we don’t have it? The Bible lets us know: Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God.

    Here’s hoping that all who read these few words become determined to press in and get the necessary faith to trust him and serve him as led by His Spirit.

    Much love, your brother in Christ Jesus.

    Bill.

  30. Patia, (S-the blogger, I believe), The last thing Bob is is “the Salman Rushdie of western Montana”. Is he going into hiding? Does he need secret service-type security to safeguard his life? No. Poor analogy. Read my post above. He wrote a piece that can be likened to physically attacking a child in a wheelchair, knowing full well that his compatriots on the Loony Left (such as yourself) would applaud his act of pseudo-highbrow courage. Since Jon and Courtney obviously approved the posting of this piece, the case can be made that they share in Bob’s intellectual cowardice. The Left is like a bully in the schoolyard; they know who they can pick on, and who they can’t. No Muslims, gays, Blacks, Hispanics, feminists, greenies, et al. None of that would fly at New West, or any other liberal blog-website. And Patia, as far as “The Goddess”, etc. goes, try “The White Goddess” by Robert Graves sometime. Otherwise, your just blowing it out of your ass. Happy Easter.

  31. Patia, I’m sorry about the penultimate sentence. It should read “you’re just blowing it out of your ass”. Such sloppiness on my part is inexcusable. I try my best to remain detached from the typically unwashed commentary herd. Happy Easter, once more. PS–Do respond: Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam.

  32. Oooh my, touchy touchy. Such a strong God yet such a sensitive ego.

    Maybe if there were a few feminists holidays that were State sanctioned and over-commercialized, Bob would poke fun at them. Maybe if there were ANY other State sanctioned religious holidays you might have an argument Croke. But the balance is so askew it begs for comment.

    Christianity as the child in a wheelchair? Sorry but what country do you live in? I think you meant to say attacking Christianity is like flicking boogers at an unemployed linebacker who moonlights as a bagman for the mob.

    When my house of “non-worship” starts getting tax breaks we can talk.

  33. SO predictable. Yawn.

  34. Okay, you Croke-wish-was-croaked sorts…how about if you move to another country where the religious paradigm was somewhat different? May I suggest any nation with a name ending in “-stan?”
    I just HAVE to wonder what the reaction would be here if Bobster actually DID try to pull a Salman out of his ear, an equivalent riff on the religion of peace and stylish headgear. So, Bob, let’s have it. THAT should generate lots of traffic from the “world community.”

  35. Holy Bat twinkies the comment section is getting juicier than the article…..

  36. Happy Easter, BC. For the greater glory of God 🙂

  37. That was a most excellent article. Thanks for the laugh.

  38. Patia, I just checked out your blog. I liked your hardhitting, clear-eyed assessment of President O: “Have I mentioned how much I love this man?”. If you need a job, go to Washington. I’m sure there’s loads of opportunities for bootlickers like you. Maybe you can help the president with that new castrate-the-nuclear-deterrence program.And Andrew, I don’t know what drugs you’re on, but give me some. Easter isn’t a “State sanctioned” holiday. It’s a 2,000 year old religious observance. And don’t worry anymore about the churches escaping taxation, Obama will get around to that. We’re going to have to pay for our new grand socialist experiment somehow. And finally, Bob Wire, I hope you’re proud of yourself for germinating all this faux animosity. You’ve done it again. And you make me long for the 13th century, when guys like you were burned at the stake. Happy Easter. Don’t overdue it on the chocolate bunnies and jelly beans. And Happy Easter, Kitty, Dave, etc.

  39. “He whose faith can’t stand up to a little light-hearted satire stands on shaky ground, indeed.”

    I bet Jesus would have laughed.

  40. It’s always OK to make fun of Christians. Offend someone and then complain that they can’t take a joke. It’s their fault. A joke is always funnier when you’re not the butt of it. Let “Bob Wire” make some jokes about Jews or Muslims on their holidays and let’s see how long his career lasts. Or maybe he can ask some Danish cartoonists for advice on who can and cannot be offended.

  41. Jay Larry Lundeen

    I couldn’t be prouder that New West via “Bob Wire” has salaciously attacked an entire world-wide belief-set. In fact, I felt such a rush of hubris that I took it upon myself to mail copies of this post to every single advertiser within the New West website. God knows we need to spread this good news around!

  42. Obama would be proud.

  43. Greetings to one and all:

    First, and foremost, I’d like to make the statement here for all who blogs from time to time’s benefit. No ugly or sarcastic remarks faze me in the least. So, if such makes any happy…have at it, have your fun, life is short at the best. Speaking of life being short though, how many days, weeks, months, years, do you have left to set your house in order? None of us really know do we? Tonight when we go off to dream land, we could, as for as we know, wake up in an altogether different place, than that, of our own bed, within our own house.

    We just never know do we? If we did we could frolic day and night having a good ol time getting involved in all kinds of hellish things, having fun putting everyone else down, that, with using all kinds of foul language in doing so.

    Now, this would not be my kind of fun…even if it wasn’t for the additional torment of soul, of which is the fruits of this kind of haphazard lifestyle. How a person can actually drift into this kind of a rut…that is, if they’ve truly ever know the correct way to live. Most especially, if they’ve ever been raised up in a genuine Christian environment, is hard to comprehend. Though, I know it truly does happen. In fact, I did that myself when about nine years old and after my Christian mother had gone one to be with the Lord. This make’s life very difficult for a person. I’m sure glad that Jesus did bring me out of all of this spiritual darkness that I’d drifted into, after my light house had been taken away.

    Then, most know that there’s many who feel that they’re getting some kind of pleasure out of this kind of haphazard life style, if not, and if they truly did have a true vision of Jesus and how greatly they could be blessed, and what peace and happiness it would bring within their lives, they’d surely turn their back to all of this tormenting way of conducting their lives and turn there lives over to Jesus. That is, with no reservations, or study the Bible and its contents, and stand on those principles.

    Some who read this may think: Yep, but I know of some who were supposedly Christians who have fell by the wayside, after which, them then going in the opposite direction.
    Yes, we all know that this would be true as well. The reason: It’s a battle my friend. When you lose your life to all of this corruption, you don’t get it back easily. You must start off in the right direction.

    The right direction is accepting Jesus as the Lord of your life. Not just as a friend, He will be that also…if you will allow Him to be. He will also help you to over come every hurdle along the way. But you must remember,(as many have forgotten down though time) The Lord, God, has given each of us a will. In doing so He was saying to you and I, I’ll help you all of the way from he cradle until you draw your last breath here on earth…even so I’ll never force you, it must, every step of the way, be your choice and your choice alone.

    Much love, your brother in Christ Jesus.

    Bill.

  44. By Kitty, 4-13-09
    “Obama would be proud.”

    Wtf does that mean? Kitty, you can wear your religion on your sleeve, but don’t wear your intelligence there too.

    Lighten up people. If you don’t agree with it, create your own satirical humor in response. And for those of you ringing the “Christian Alarm Bell” and organizing a boycott, I’m sure there is still plenty of content on New West that you would find informative and interesting. Do you honestly think you have to agree with 100% of the content of a website? I don’t – in fact, I deliberately seek out sites that have a variety of content, some that I agree with, and some that I might not, because I feel that exposing myself to a diversity of opinion is healthy, maybe even essential, to being an informed, rational person.

    If you don’t like Bob, and he really offends you that much, it’s simple – don’t read him. There are still lots of other columnists and content on here to focus on. But don’t start pressuring New West to only run the content that you happen to agree with. That would be tragic, not to mention it would violate the often overlooked Christian value of “tolerance.”

  45. “Obama would be proud.” Wtf does that mean?

    It means what it says, that Obama would be proud of Bob Wire.

  46. Do you care to actually explain what you mean by that, rather than just reasserting your blanket statement?

  47. No one like to have their nose rubbed in it….no amount of whining, fancy words and threats can take away western religions hypocracy and failure.

  48. I will pray for all of you who took your ability to put faith in things unseen by voting for Obama and stopped short of believing in an all-loving, all-knowing God.

    There is a reason it is called FAITH and you lack it – no doubt having been raised by your former hippie parents to believe yourself to be the center of your own universe. You were clearly GIVEN self esteem instead of having to earn it!

    I pity you to the depths of my soul and will pray that your lack of clarity vis-a-vis your immortal soul will be rectified before you receive the shock of your life after death when you meet the Son of God whom you have mocked so nastily!

  49. Spare us your self-righteous pity, Gayle. I have no need for it. And in assuming that my parents were “hippies,” you perfectly display your narrow-minded ignorance. Both of my parents came of age well before the hippie era, still go to church regularly, and I was raised attending a religious school for 8 years of my schooling. Maybe that’s why I have the opinion that I do of organized religion – because I lived it. Btw, I still have a great relationship with my family, despite our different beliefs. Maybe that’s because they believe that your faith is a private thing that you don’t go around judging the rest of the world and clubbing people over the head with. You should try it.

  50. “Do you care to actually explain what you mean by that, rather than just reasserting your blanket statement?”

    I figure any person who can sit through 20 years’ worth of Rev. Wright’s sermons would/could probably appreciate Bob Wire’s sense of humor.

  51. I still consider you to be a sad, pathetic creature and a CRAPPY writer to boot!

  52. By Kitty, 4-13-09:
    “I figure any person who can sit through 20 years’ worth of Rev. Wright’s sermons would/could probably appreciate Bob Wire’s sense of humor.”

    Kitty, trying to commute by pogo stick while drunk, blindfolded and with only one leg isn’t the same thing as simple, “if-then” logic. You seem to have somehow confused the two.

  53. Pluralism: Theoretically, anyway, we are supposed to be a pluralistic society. That means that we have right to practice any one of over a thousand religions or make up our own spiritual beliefs.
    Free Speech: Means that each of us has the right to question, criticize or trade insults with one another over our spiritual practices and beliefs.
    Separation of Church and State: Means that Government should neither inhibit or encourage any particular spiritual belief. It also means that Government should avoid becoming an instrument of any particular religion.
    Religious Freedom: Means you are free to practice the religion of your choice but your not free to impose your religion on others.
    Blood, Tyranny, & History: Means that there is much Blood and Tyranny on the hands of the world’s religions past and present and Christianity is no exception. Do true believers out there know enough to know about the Crusades? The Spanish Inquisition? Do you know that Columbus came to the new world in the name of God and the Queen. And along with the Conquistadors that followed him laid waste to the native cultures and native religions with a cross in one hand and a sword in another.
    Disrespect: How much respect have Christian missionaries shown for the last few hundred years for so called primitive cultures and primitive religions?
    Faith: A belief held regardless of the facts or the evidence.

  54. A person has made the statement saying: that all people should be free to make their own choice of religions, and that they’re plenty of them out there to choose from. This to would be a true statement.

    The government can’t decide for you on which god you’re to serve. Also it is true there’s many religious practices within our big, big, world. Even so, and even though there’s many religious practices to choose from, yet, there’s only one God of light and one god of darkness.

    Or, put in an entirely different way, only one all powerful, all mighty God. He is the God of all. This too is the God of the Bible. The Prince of Darkness is the god of he bottomless pit. He too, is the master of all of the many false religions.

    Even those, thought by some, to be Christian type religions. These consist of the many dead churches, which have a name of being such, but they are dead. Then, some of them have never been alive. They were built and founded by spiritually dead people. They likewise attract to themselves people who want an insurance policy, or an assurance, that when they die they’ll go to a better place. This of course will never produce what they’re hoping for, but soothes their conscious and allows them to kid themselves.

    So, though a person be ever so sincere, as to wanting to become a Christian, even so they must use much wisdom…the reason being…everyone talking about heaven is not going there. Using wisdom in what group to assemble themselves together with. It is a must that we find a Christian group of people to assemble our self with. As the Bible Says: not to neglect to assemble of yourself together with people of like precious faith. The reason for this…is we receive and give of our many spiritual blessings from day to day.

    Jesus said: Blessed are they who hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled. The people who truly do want to become a Christian from deep within the Spirit of our God will lead and guide them in the right direction. They will therefore find the right place. Or the place that they should be in order to be strengthened within their faith.

    Warm Regards
    William Dunigan

  55. It’s just a rite of passage for a liberal egghead to mock Christians. It’s part of the script. It makes them feel intelligent and superior, maybe even smart. I guess Bob Wire is now welcomed into the club. But they pick on easy targets because they know Christians rarely do anything about it, other than raise a little fuss for a few days. But Bob Wire won’t write a similar article mocking Jews or Muslims for their religion. Ask Salman Rushdie or a Danish cartoonist how much courage that takes.

  56. One True God Worshiper

    Hey William Dunigan, my little black book says that my God can kick your god’s ass.

    what to do, what to do?

  57. Johnny Thundersockeye

    Hey Gayle, there are many of us “hippies” who as followers of the 1 true God -CHRIST, felt that there was no choice but to vote for Obama given that it’s seemed very unwise to continue “staying the course” with McCain, as “staying the course” over the past eight years seemed to bring us very close to full fledged destruction! Or do you really believe that Jesus wants us to waste yet more time and money killing as many people as possible while helping so few. Yea I’m sure Jesus didn’t want our troops to be brought home either. Remember not all Christians fit in some categorical box and also realize that statements like yours are part of the reason so many are turned off to Christianity by in large!

  58. There is no credible evidence to support any supernatural powers.

  59. Very GOOD Bob!!! This is one of the few times I agree with you. I never could understand why people refer to Jesus as our LORD. Our CREATOR is our Lord, God, or what have you. Even IF Jesus was really the ‘Son of God’ he would still be second in line to the top. I’ve always found you have better luck getting answers, or problems resolved by going to the TOP not the second in command. Being of Native American Ancestry, it still amazes me how everyone wants to have their religious beliefs left to them to believe, yet when they come upon someone with a little different belief, they are ridiculed and threatened they will ‘BURN IN HELL’ Sorry I don’t swallow it. My Creator isn’t that mean. He judges you by your acts not by comparing you to somebody else. So all I can say is when I’m dead and gone, I will go to the ‘happy hunting ground’ and from some of these posts I’ve read, I know there will be room.

  60. p.s. My Creator is NEVER to busy to listen to me. He doesn’t expect me to talk to some flunky.

  61. As an eastern reader of NewWest, I congratulate you on your soon to be expected rapid growth as you are over-run by Bob Wire’s atheistic, liberal bretheren from California, New York, and New England. Remember, you reap what you sow.

    Good luck with them, we’ll be gladly rid of them. Maybe they’ll take their pink Prius’.

  62. Old East, I love your attempt at smug unintelligent humor….you remind me of blood letters of past….of the dinosours….of those who persecuted those who delivered the news “hey guys!! guess what? the world is round!!” and “we orbit the sun??!!”, and I am getting the idea that some of the posters here are so rooted and stubborn in their thought …that had they lived in the time of Jesus…they would have most certianly been among those to host the crucifiction party.

  63. Lest we forget Christians MURDERED Indians, in the name of Jesus Christ. Thanks but NO THANKS.

  64. Should this be a forum for anti-religious bigotry?

  65. How does not believing Jesus was the son of God relate to anti-religious bigotry?
    We are ALL children of our Creator. No better no worse than ‘Jesus’

  66. Should this be a forum for anti-religious bigotry?
    Perhaps it would better be a forum for pro-religious delusions?

  67. Johnny Thundersockeye

    You know for whatever its worth ,maybe us “Christians” are being a little harsh to Bob Wire.While I do think its “sad and pathetic “to willfully try and insult things that others hold sacred ,or generally try to stir up more anger and strife,in a world thats already chock full of it ,and I still stand by the fact that GOD can and will give one a “severe supernatural ass whipping” if publicly mocked enough,I’m not sure Bob was truly aware of the depth to which such an article would offend some of the devout.I for one was definetely a little quick to anger to such a degree and take it so seriously,and as for Mickey -telling Bob to “rot in Hell” certainly doesn’t exemplify the Gospel of forgiveness and love that Christians claim to be enlightened by
    !I’m sure the main reason he wrote it was to yield the volume of attention to his blog that all of us who seem to enjoy wasting a little time here and there or whatever it is we do on these comment threads demonstrate is likely when controversial topics are written about, and to stir up the debate we all bought in to.

    Bob,man its just that Easter is the MOST!! sacred of holidays to us believers,more so than Christmas or Santa Claus or kind herb to Spicoli !!We consider it serious as a heart attack-THE! most important event ever in the history of the universe!!!!HE certainly doesn”t promise us 17 virgins in Heaven yet we believe HE is the key to life in eternity as well as here on this earth! So I for one will keep praying for you and every person who really doesnt understand and even despise the positive power of Christs love,even if you would probably tell me to shove it up my supernaturally inspired ass!!!

    Oh yeah I once saw an otherwise mentally efficient, unintoxicated adult start to cry over the concept of the movie “Santa Claus vs. the Martians” so goes to show how much of an emotional effect there can be when people feel like something they hold as sacred is being attacked!.

  68. Wow. This has become really painful. Everyone just go back to your corners and take a chill pill. It’s all going to be okay…..

  69. Greetings to one and all, in that Mighty Name of our both Lord and Savior.
    The one of whom: beside him, there is no other.

    Someone on here said: that if he wanted to know something, he’d go right to the man in full charge, not the second in command, him referring to Jesus.

    Jesus is the one and only one of whom you can go to. Jesus is the fullness of the God head bodily. The Father the Son the Holy Spirit all three are so perfectly blended to gather in one, that there is no separating them

    The prince of darkness is only in charge of those who have been culled out, or the undesirable one’s. The one’s who have rejected Jesus. He too, is the God of the darkness, of this world. You don’t have to join his club or anything like that. Just walk in darkness and you’re his. He is your master from the moment you enter his domain which is the realm of darkness.

    As for as him being greater than the God of glory…no this is untrue. For he’s a fallen one and has no power what so ever over a Christian. The only power that the ruler of darkness have over a Christian is a bluff. He can bluff them, it they’re weak and lack knowledge, within their Christian faith.

    So, in this way he can approach them and deceive them into believing his lies and therefore gain power over them. If however, they stand their ground he can then do no more. He can have one of his people who is walking in his darkness kill them if God so allows this to happen. If God does allow it to happen, its because He’s ready t take that person on home anyway, and allows him to go out by a martyr’s death. Which is a blessing in disguise.

    May His peace and love and the spirit of Christ rest upon each of you.

    Much love to one and all,
    William Dunigan http://www.eloquentbooks.com/BeyondTheGoldenSunsetAndByTheCrystalSea.html

  70. Jesus loves you. But I think you’re a little bit sanctimonious, brain washed and pushy. Jesus is coming!!! Look busy!

  71. Greetings to one and all, in that Mighty Name “Jesus” the name wherein demons from the pits of hell tremble and shake. Nothing upon this earth, man nor beast, can stand against a person when he speaks that name in true faith. It is a Christian weapon of war fare.

    Jesus has said Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm. Many down through time have laid hands, upon God’s anointed, in a despiteful and hurtful way, to only find their world turning upside down.…figuratively speaking of course. Nevertheless, this releases a negative flow into the lives of those who do so.

    Saint or sinner we all want His blessings upon and within our lives. This is merely saying that we all want His approval upon our lives, for it opens doors that we should enter in and closes the doors that we should not enter therein.

    Much love, your brother in Christ Jesus.

    Bill.

  72. Onward Christian Soldiers Marching as to War, with The Cross of Jesus going on before!!!!!!

  73. Greetings in that mighty name “Jesus”. The one and the only one of whom is worthy of our praise. I make this post in hopes it will in someway be beneficial to at least one person on here. I, of course, hope it to be helpful to many…in this day and time, that we’re now living in, that is hoping for a lot.
    As a good many people will know…there seemingly is a downward tread in true genuine Christian worship. No! There is no shortage in religious practices. That’s what many churches are involved in today.
    Matthew 7:13-14 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
    Just religion is very dead and boring, it also has nothing whatsoever to offer. It will do little if anything for you in this life, and it most certainly won’t get you to heaven. Some of the buildings that house this kind of religious activity, for the most of them, they’re quite nicely and also beautifully arrayed.
    This would be kind of like a person having more money than he had need of, him thinking I’ll have a crew to come out and build me a most beautiful and wonderful ship our on my back property.
    With the man doing this in an area where there was no water for hundred’s of miles in every direction. After the parting with much money and putting up with the hearing of all kinds of construction noises day in and day out and a good part of the nights for practically a full year…finally…he has his ship.
    He goes out and looks his ship over and it’s all that one could ask for, as for as ship’s go.
    But then, he begins to think…what good is a ship without water. The only good it will ever do me is to look at it…and also wish I had water so I could test it out, and also could enjoy it.
    Religion…based on just carnal thinking, leaving Jesus out of the arrangements is the equivalent to having this big and most beautiful ship in one’s back yard…with no water for hundreds of mile’s. It’s simply worthless.
    John 4:7-15 There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith unto her, Give me to drink. (For his disciples were gone away unto the city to buy meat.) Then saith the woman of Samaria unto him, How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans. Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water. The woman saith unto him, Sir, thou hast nothing to draw with, and the well is deep: from whence then hast thou that living water? Art thou greater than our father Jacob, which gave us the well, and drank thereof himself, and his children, and his cattle? Jesus answered and said unto her, Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again: But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life. The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw.

    May our most precious Lord, and Savior Jesus the Christ, richly bless both you and yours.

    William Dunigan

  74. Deuteronomy 23:1

    No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”

    Onward Christian Soldiers, I suggest that you wear a cup.

  75. Philippians 2:10
    Everyone will have to worship Jesus–whether they want to or not.
    Romans 8:33
    A Christian can not be accused of any wrongdoing.
    Deuteronomy 17:2-7
    Kill everyone who has religious views that are different than your own.

  76. Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine let’s hope God don’t mind, Hey Mickey…

    Exodus 4:24-25

    And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me

    Zipporoh Bobbitt that is. Onward Christian Soldiers, I suggest that you wear a cup.

  77. It’s your fantasy. What ever turns you on. As long as it isn’t a sin.

  78. Dearest Mickey,

    Is it a sin if in my fantasy, I get to be Mr Roark and you’ll be Tattoo? If not, I want you to call me Boss from now on.

    Now back to the bible…

    Ezekiel 23:19-20

    Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.”

    Was that a sin? I hope so cuz that kind of stuff will not be allowed on my Fantasy Island.

  79. William Dunigan

    I originally wrote and sent this to a missionary. One who had recently gone with his wife over into Africa as a missionary. Even so, it might be helpful to some on here as well. If not!! Oh!! Well!! If it doesn’t prove helpful for any on here it sure wont do any and harm.

    Greetings to one and all:

    I’m quit sure that spending quality time within Africa will be a tremendous blessing.

    It also offers opportunity for the missionary, as well as for the people. Of course, this would only be so if the missionary has been placed there of our God and not by and through, only the will of man.

    Him trying to do something to please God, but not striving for the leadership of our God.

    For as most true Christian’s know: the Bible let’s us know: unless that we do, is truly in the leadership of the Holy Spirit: that though, seemingly a wonderful thing to do…still, will not accomplish nothing worth while.

    For as we know…the Bible lets us know: Though we even give our body to be burned…also give all of our good’s to feed the poor…if it is done outside of his leadership, it will profit nothing worthwhile within the spiritual realm.

    This is why it is imperative that we earnestly seek his guidance before making a move in a different direction. For no matter how good it looks to the carnal mind…if it is not of our God it will profit us, or the people we’ve gone so far to help, very little…and hardly nothing within the spiritual realm.

    With people…they often have a big problem with getting ahead of God in their plan making.

    Why would this be? Some may wonder.
    Because our very educational system teaches us to always figure things out. Have our plans all mapped out within our head or on paper. And let nothing get us off track with that, of keeping, or sticking very rigidly, to those well thought out plans.

    Too, as all will know: there’s nothing within the educationally system, that gives emphases, to whether there even is anything, such as the Holy Spirit.

    This being true…we, as spiritual leaders, must relearn all over again the right approach to our decision making.

    We also cannot always depend on some of the high mucked mucks in church. For though they may have attained a high position by exploiting their high learning, or their several master degrees from a well know collage…even so, they could be completely ignorant about the following of the Holy Spirit.

    Back in Jesus’ day they did the same thing. The fact of the matter: it was the highly educated, religious leaders that had Jesus Crucified.

    Of course, it would have made everything alright, they also would have allowed Jesus to come into their religious group…may would also allowed him to have taught a Sunday school class…if he’d only left this thing he was telling others about…that is claiming to actually be the Son of God. This was so horrible!! They just couldn’t stand it. So, they just could allow this to go no further. The nerve of this guy…coming into our synagogue claiming to be so close to God…when, everyone knows we’re the ones that handles all of the affairs of God.

    We’re the one’s to be looked upon as a direct representative of God.
    The nerve of this idiot, one who was born in a stable, now having nothing but the clothes on his back. This stupid penniless beggar, who does he think that he is…we and we alone are the direct reflection of God. Fellow highly honored of God…this leaves us only one choice…this stupid beggar…calling himself: Jesus…the Son of God. Must be crucified. Claming to be the Son of God…with this he leaves us no other choice!! HE Must DIE!!

    If this that I’m saying goes over anyone’s head…just know you were not ready for this as of yet. Also that you may never be ready for this, within this life, only God would know about that.

    Warm regard to one and all.

    William Dunigan

  80. Wow – looks like this thread is really make the rounds on the Bible-thumpin’ chat rooms. But do you actually think that any of these posts are going to win you converts? Truly? Do you think someone is going to read this proselytizing mumbo-jumbo and think, “wow, this really explains the world?” Give it up and take your drivel elsewhere, please.

  81. William Dunigan

    Greeting’s to one and all:

    When, and after, I’ve made a post I never know whether or not it will be the last one I’ll make on the one particular blog page.

    However, giving a little more thought to what I’ve said: being completely honest with our self: Do any of us truly know what even another hour or so will bring our way? Do we even know whether ten minutes from now we’ll still be a resident of planet earth?

    Or, could we truly, within that short span of time, be standing looking squarely, with both eyes…right into the eyes of Jesus?
    Could this, if not today, maybe even a year or so later, we close our eyes, having told all of the family members good night…just like on every other night…not knowing this night was so destined to be far different than any other night.

    For on this night, though unbeknownst to us…either the closing of the eyes for us, or another loved one, another member of the family…was to be the final farewell. For either we, or our loved one, would shortly after closing the eye lids for the final time…finding themselves staring into those eyes of Jesus. The one who knows every thought of our mind and the contents of our heart.

    Romans 14:11-13 For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God. So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God. Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumbling block or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way.

    Warm Regards

    William Dunigan
    http://www.eloquentbooks.com/BeyondTheGoldenSunsetAndByTheCrystalSea.html

  82. Questions. Is Lord GOD? or is the Lord Jesus? It can only be one, and God is still the Top Duck. Not Jesus.

  83. William Dunigan

    Hi Ann:

    You truly may be a rather smart lady within your own line or work, however, in spiritual things, no offence I hope…you’re allowing your spiritual ignorance to hang out, “for all to see”.

    Jesus both is, was, and every shall be…the King of King’s and the Lord, of Lord’s. He’s the alpha and the omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.

    He also is the fullness of the God head bodily. (As I’ve mentioned on here before).
    Acts 4:9-12 If we this day be examined of the good deed done to the impotent man, by what means he is made whole; Be it known unto you all, and to all the people of Israel, that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom ye crucified, whom God raised from the dead, even by him doth this man stand here before you whole. This is the stone which was set at nought of you builders, which is become the head of the corner. Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

    Warm Regards

    William Dunigan

  84. So now you are trying to tell me how or what I should believe? Sorry I was born with the right of freedom of Religion. And NO peon can take that away from me. “no offense to peons”
    according to your own verse; “Be it known unto you all, and to all the people of Israel, that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom ye crucified, whom God raised from the dead, even by him doth this man stand here before you whole.”

    It says right there GOD raised him from the dead. So in My book if GOD can raise him from the dead the him of which you speak, is lesser than GOD or he wouldn’t need GOD to raise him. He would do his OWN raising. Again Making GOD top Duck!!!!

  85. William Dunigan

    Greetings Ann:

    No! For sure not! For how you believe, or even if you do believe, is between you and the Lord, Jesus. Only do I not know you…I also know nothing at all about you. I was and am only addressing a name appearing in a message on here.

    As for as I know you could be a Saint of sinner. What I’m saying: You have to one day stand before Christ and give an account of the deeds you’ve allowed in the body, and so will as all of human race.

    That is of course…if there be anything to given an account for…otherwise, you’ll hear Him say…WELL done: My good and faithful servant…you’ve been faithful over a few things now I’ll make you ruler over many things.

    Thanks though: I consider that to be a complement…you thinking me to be so compassionate…that I’d try to correct the life of one, of whom I don’t even know. That truly would be a good place to be…and Jesus is there, but I’m not as of yet.

    Colossians 2:9-11 For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily. And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power: In whom also ye are circumcised with the circumcision made without hands, in putting off the body of the sins of the flesh by the circumcision of Christ:

    Warm Regards

    William Dunigan

  86. W D ….sorry bother you need to go back to school, or stop mixing your meds and scripture….if the lord is trying to save people through you…..his plan needs revision! BUT keep it comming WD I always need a good chuckle!

  87. William Dunigan

    Yes, I’m sure you do. Chuckle while there’s time to chuckle. For though there’s many who are laughing to keep from crying, nowadays, even so, there’s some most serious days ahead.

    Days wherein you’ll most surely wished you’d teamed up with a winner (Jesus) when you had the opportunity to have done so.

    John 9:4-5 I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

    His power can free you from all of the anguish and misery of soul.
    For all who walk in darkness have plenty of it…as the days grow darker this will only increase.

    Warm Regards

    William Dunigan