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Concerning The Utah Commemorative Quarter

Have you voted for the new Utah Commemorative Quarter? It’s the usual lameness. Winter sports (recreation), beehive (industry), golden spike (uh…unity? Thoroughfare? Phallus?). Do these things really sum up our state?

The winter sports coin depicts what appears to be trapper (or a hippie with a coonskin cap–although it could be a mullet. WVC represent!) on a snowboard getting grand air over the Rocky Mountains. It says “The World Is Welcome.” Even the gays and the liberals, provided they bring their tourist ducats. Ostensibly the message is that the “world” should join Davey Mullet for extreme good times* in Utah. (*Extreme good times may be against our religion).

Oh, the Beehive. Symbol of industry? Sure. Utah and Utahns are industrious. The beehive, however, is also unavoidably redolent of analogies to single-minded collectives–the Morg.

Golden Spike. You know how many porn sites come up with you search “golden spike?” None. The Golden Spike, in case you forgot your Utah history (hey Mr. Willard, remember that time I hit you in the ass with a rubber band? Pow!), is the symbolic, final, not-quite pure gold nail that completed the world’s first transcontinental railroad (incidentally, it was also called the First Transcontinental Railroad) at Promontory, Utah on May 10, 1869. Two weeks from tomorrow, that’ll be 137 years ago. Old news, man. Seriously, though: juxtaposing a symbol of unity with Utah doesn’t work when we’re still bitterly divided between Mormons and non-Mormons and, on a national political level, severely out of skew with the nation.

But in that division there is a brilliant, interesting, fun duality. Have you ever noticed the way the Mo/No-Mo tug of war seems to create an almost palpable (seeeeexual?) tension? I think a lot of us, no matter which side we’re on, kinda like the other side–or at least we like knowing the other side exists: we all know a prude who likes for bad boys, or an edgy type with a throbbing madonna/whore complex. Personally, I like knowing Mormons from my liberal sister on up to wacko ultra-con Rep. Chris Buttars exist–if not for balance, then for sheer entertainment. I’m sure they feel likewise. Buttars and Eagle Forum president Gayle Ruzicka would be pretty bored without us drinking and sexing our lives away. I have to admit I’d kinda miss them if they weren’t around (except, with regard to Buttars and Ruzicka, for the infringing on civil liberties, bigotry, etc.). Being a non-Mormon in Mo-town (and perhaps a Mo among heathens) can be extremely interesting, not to mention fun.

We were talking coins–the commemorative quarter. While the Beehive once again seems to be the most accurate symbol, it’s about as appropriate as Davey Mullet and the Golden Spike. There is an element of hive culture, but the dichotomy in our population would never happen in a hive. Maybe heads or tails, taken as black or white, isn’t so accurate either. Not everyone here really fits into the Mo/No-Mo mold, but enough do to make it interesting–and fun.

Speaking of which, why not have a little fun coming up with alternate concepts for that coin? Post your ideas in the comments section. New West SLC will select the best one and dig up a prize for you. (Might be a DVD, might be a CD. Could be a book. We’ll have to consult the magic, glowing prize container.) Contest is open only to readers of New West SLC residing in Utah. Winner will be notified via email. Full name and current, valid email address required. Upon notification, winner has one week to contact New West SLC to claim prize and provide in-state mailing address. Unclaimed prizes will be forfeited and awarded to next runner-up or in a subsequent New West SLC contest. Please allow up to three weeks for shipping.

Here are a few ideas from New West SLC.

Head: Sen. Chris Buttars
Tail: Horse’s Ass

Head: Bill Paxton
Tail: Brigham Young

Head: Karl Malone
Tail: Hardee’s Frisco burger

Head: X96 radio personality Bill Allred
Tail: X96 radio personality Kerry Jackson

Head: REAL Salt Lake
Tail: Atari 2600 Real Sports(TM) Soccer

Head: Super Dell Schanze
Tail: Super Dell Schanze post-Totally Awesome Killing Spree (spin it for cool googly-eye effect!)

Head: Orion’s Music
Tail: Virgin Mega

Head: SUV
Tail: Minivan

Head: Plan 10 from Outer Space
Tail: Mormon Cinema

Head: Mayor Rocky Anderson
Tail: Mayor McCheese

Head: FOX 13 anchor Hope Woodside
Tail: FOX 13 anchor Hope Woodside

Head: LDS Temple
Tail: The late, great 49th Street Galleria (or, if you prefer, the Utah Fun Dome)

Head: Sen. Chris Buttars standing, hands on hips.
Tail: Sen. Chris Buttars high-kicking Rockettes-style (yet another spinner!)

Head: Gayle Ruzicka with sensible SuperCut
Tail: Gayle Ruzicka with spiky lesbian mullet

Head: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Tail: LDS Temple Ordinances

Head: The Planet Kolob
Tail: The Death Star

Head: The Joseph Smith Sphinx from Gilgal
Tail: Salt Lake Temple

Head: Metaphor: The Tree of Utah
Tail: Delta Center Olympic Arrowhead Clock

Head: Emo’s Grave
Tail: Hale Center Theatre

Head: Jesus Christ
Tail: Sen. Chris Buttars

Head: Angel Moroni with Trumpet
Tail: Angel Moroni with Keytar!

Head: Diversity! (Shown: One Polynesian missionary, one Canadian missionary, one Hispanic missionary. Or maybe a Klingon, a munchkin and a Sleestak.)
Tail: Tolerance! (Shown: Jim Matheson, working single mother, non-Mormons.)

Head: Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband
Tail: SHEdaisy. Or is it sheDAISY?

Head: Donny Osmond
Tail: Marie Osmond

Head: The Jets
Tail: The Osmonds

Head: Mountain Meadows Massacre
Tail: Siege at Marion

Head: Author Brian Evenson
Tail: Author Sheri L. Dew

Head: Wasatch Beers’ Polygamy Porter
Tail: Mormon ninja/cowboy Porter Rockwell

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