New West Colorado, Idaho, Montana, New Mexico, Utah, Wyoming
Facebook isn’t a social network. It’s an anti-social network. Next time you’re on Facebook, take a look at yourself. Are you physically interacting with other people? No, you’re not. You’re sitting by yourself, typing messages into a keyboard or a phone. You’re not talking, you’re not looking at anyone. You’re rejecting actual, personal interaction with any other human being in your presence, in favor of a one-dimensional, impersonal form of communication. That’s not social. That’s the very definition of anti-social.
I’m abandoning Facebook. Or rather, my engagement in Facebook. Like most people, I spend some time scrolling through my FB page each day, waiting for anything truly interesting or useful to show up. It never does. It’s all shallow, self-indulgent, existential fragments of nothingness. And then I’m angry that I’ve wasted another half hour, with nothing to show for it but disappointment and guilt over losing time that could have spent doing something more productive, like, say, scraping the gunk out from under my toenails.
Oh, I’ll maintain my music page purely for the self-promotion aspect. It’s an easy rallying point for my fan base, and a good way to keep them up to date on my show schedule, blog posts, CD releases and band news. But as far as hanging around on the computer, making small talk with a bunch of people I really don’t know, hell, I prefer to do that at the Mo Club after two or three pints of Kettle House beer.
Here are some of the reasons that Facebook sucks:
1. People posting phone pictures of what they are eating or drinking. Really? This is why Al Gore invented the internet? So I can see a plate of fish tacos you’re having for lunch? You are severely overestimating your friends’ interest in your dietary choices.
2. People with no kids posting cute pictures of their dogs or cats.
3. People with kids posting pictures of their kids.
4. People bitterly complaining about where they live, yet they continue to live there. Look, you probably are unhappy there because you have no one to complain to. That’s why you spew your vitriol to your Facebook friends, and we’re all sick of hearing it. Grow a pair and move somewhere else.
5. The daily newspaper posting their front page stories on Facebook. If you already get the paper, it’s redundant. If you get all your news from Facebook, on the other hand, you don’t deserve to know what’s going on.
6. Farmville, Mafia Wars, Frontierville, Jagoffburg—all these things tell me that you are too much of a loser to have a social life in meat space. Want to get instantly hidden from my news feed forever? Post something about the goat you just befriended in Farmville.
7. When someone posts a legitimate query seeking a service or some information, they are invariably bombarded with smartass comments. And zero information. Listen, if you can’t help the poster, don’t clog up the answers with anything that basically says, “look at me!”
8. People who don’t know the answer to a specific question, and can’t resist posting a statement saying that they don’t know the answer to the question. Look, bonehead, if you don’t know the answer, not posting anything will make that perfectly clear. It’s okay to occasionally have a thought and not express it on Facebook.
9. People posting about participating in cutting edge or extreme outdoor sports. It’s not sharing, it’s bragging to show people how cool and/or fit you are. If you’re really such an outdoors nut, why are you here, indoors, dicking around on Facebook?
10. People posting YouTube videos of pop hits from the 80s. Sorry, there was no timeless music made during that decade. Even Neil Young took ten years off. Musically, it’s the most vacuous decade since the harmonium craze of the 1890s.
11. People posting pictures of themselves in a crowd of sweaty, partying strangers. No matter where you are, it looks like hard evidence in a Cancun date rape case.
12. People telling everyone that they’re going to be offline for some reason. No one cares. I can wait a few days to tell you that I’m eating some Pad Thai.
13. People posting some gaffe or inconsequential blunder by the Obama administration, and gleefully insinuating that he should be removed from office. It provides a little rallying point for Tea Partiers and other ignorant sore losers. Hey, you let Bush happen, you hypocrites.
14. People posting what the weather is every morning. Dude, I have a device here that allows me to see through walls. It’s called a window. Get a life.
15. People complaining about how tired, hungry, sore, irritable, depressed, anxious, lonely, nervous, impatient, angry or bored they are. Get some sleep. Eat some food. Take a Paxil. Just quit whining about it.
16. People who complain about their job. Every day. The longer it goes on the more clear it becomes that they are probably unemployable and lucky to have a job at all.
17. People who quote lyrics from songs, with no context or explanation. Why don’t you just write it on a post-it note and stick it to your monitor, instead of making everybody wonder if you’re pregnant and/or suicidal?
18. People who post one- or two-word messages, obviously meant for a specific person. Send an IM instead of having all your FB friends scratching their heads and feeling left out.
19. People who send messages like “Someone just answered a question about you!” and when you click to see the answer, it’s not there. Just a commercial for another inane FB app that shares your private info with everybody.
20. Facebook quizzes about “If you were a __, what kind of __ would you be? Where do they come up with this shit? Old Newlywed Game reruns?
21. People who are the first to comment on their own posts.
22. People who whine about not getting comments on their posts.
23. People posting videos of kittens doing cute things. You should be permanently banned from the internet, and then tied up in a burlap bag and thrown into the river.
24. People describing what it’s like eating a certain food. Doesn’t it strike you as weird that part of enjoying said food involves running to your computer so you can type about it?
25. People posting notices about where they’re going, or where they just got home from. I’m not your mom. I don’t give a shit. (See Facebook Places below.)
26. People posting anything from their vacation spots. You’re on vacation. Why don’t you take a break from this vapid shit too? Cut the cord already! You’re only making me envious, but that’s probably your intent.
27. People who post frequent elegies to their defunct dog/cat/hampster. Look, it was a beloved pet, but it’s been dead for two years. Go out and make friends with a human or two.
28. People who describe, in great detail, some cute thing their kid did or said. Trust me, with kids, it’s definitely “you had to be there.” And even if I had been there, I still wouldn’t care.
29. People posting pictures of rainbows. Hey, I can see a rainbow by tilting a CD toward the light. We’ve all seen a rainbow. At this point, the only thing new or refreshing about a rainbow would be if Shawn White was riding a snowboard down one, or if you managed to get a photo of a leprechaun slobbering into his pot of gold at the end. Besides, even if you capture a pristine image at the peak of the rainbow’s luminosity with your $5,000 Nikon DS-3 and a polarized filter, I’ll still be viewing it on my $79 Wal-Mart monitor. Just stop.
30. People who change their profile picture ten times a week, and I have to get a post about it every time. Yes, I know I can change that in my settings or not click Most Recent news feeds. But here’s a suggestion for your next computer accessory purchase: a mirror.
31. People who continually post photos of their significant other, accompanied by gushing proclamations of undying love and/or some sappy poetry. It’s creepy, it comes off as somewhat desperate, and it’s typical stalker behavior. Besides, if that’s how you feel, tell your partner, not the internet.
32. People who post URLs for a tweet or some cryptic link, with not even a word of explanation. That’s one way to guarantee that I’ll ignore your attempted communication. Give me a reason to go on this turd hunt, man.
33. People who ask you to sign Facebook petitions. These will have about as much effect on local government as the Facebook quiz, “Which Lymph Node Are You Most Like?”
34. People complaining about what season it is, and how they wish it was a different season. I would say move somewhere else, but I’m really thinking why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself.
35. Writers for local periodicals overflowing with hyperbole about stories written by their coworkers for the same periodical. Can you link the story without the cheerleading?
36. People posting about how drunk they got last night. At some point in your life, you’ll understand that that’s not something you brag about. Or maybe you won’t. (I’m looking at you, middle-aged hungover guy at Burning Man with a rain stick in his bunghole.)
37. People posting inspirational quotes from writers who are smarter than they are.
38. People who use a photo of their kids or dogs as their profile picture. I’ve started several conversations on the street with strange kids or dogs because I thought they were one of my Facebook friends.
39. People who cannot spell or don’t take the time to proof their posts before they hit the share button. What are you, typing with boxing gloves on? And then there are the people who don’t take the time to learn the difference between “they’re” and “their.” They’re broadcasting their ignorance to the entire world. And maybe parts of space.
40. People posting what they’re watching on TV. You’re not watching TV. You’re posting about watching TV on your computer. Everyone who sees how sad that is, raise your hand.
41. People who work in the service industry constantly professing shock and indignation at how they’re undertipped and mistreated by customers. Hey, waiters and cashiers have been abused since the dawn of the Industrial Age. It’s a scientific fact that our species is largely populated with assholes. They don’t care that you just finished your first screenplay or won the Governor’s Cup when you were in high school. They just want their check so they can get home and pay the frickin’ babysitter. Get over yourself, or get a different job.
42. People posting about how sick they are, in excruciating, clinical detail. Why don’t you keep all that info and put it in an email to your doctor? Or call your mom—she’ll welcome it. The rest of us didn’t ask to be grossed out.
43. People who type in all caps. Really? After several years of everyone on the Web telling you it’s annoying? CUT IT OUT.
44. People mindlessly reposting anything they’re asked to repost without giving a single thought to checking it out first. The most frequent panic is that Facebook is going to start charging people for the privilege of spewing their every waking thought onto the internet. It’s not true yet, but when it happens, do you think it will improve the quality of the posts? No. It will improve the quality of some Facebook CEO douche bag’s bank account.
45. I don’t know what Bejeweled Blitz is, but it sounds more like the next manufactured Nickelodeon girl band than an online game a straight man would play.
46. One-dimensional friends. Every post from these people has to do with the same subject. It’s either all about running, all about being gay, all about rescuing ferrets, or some other monotonous facet in their lives. Don’t you have a support group or a chat room for that? I know you have more going on in your life. You do, don’t you?
47. Countdowns. “Five days till we leave!” “Eight days till my party!” You know what? Keep it to yourself unless you’re attempting a moon shot.
48. Latest scam: Instant Message from a friend. Says he’s “stranded in London,” got mugged last night, all credit cards and cash stolen. I already see it coming, he needs me to wire him some money. Come on, Facebook. Your online security is the digital version of a screen door hook and eye.
48b. And…here it is. An email request for $1450 from the poor soul stranded in London. Time to change the FB password. Again.
49. People bitching about their ex-spouses, posting photos of ultrasounds, close-ups of some gorey wound…Jesus, don’t self-respect and privacy mean anything anymore?
50. People complaining about the weather, but not doing anything about it.
Of course, only half the problem comes from the people who use Facebook. The other half is from Facebook itself:
1. Mouseover popups. It’s gotten out of hand. I feel like my computer screen has ADHD and can’t keep its mouth shut. I don’t need handfuls of information hurled at me at all times. It’s like being a Little Leaguer standing at the plate, and four coaches are yelling at you about how to hit the ball.
2. I don’t care who friended whom, who likes what, who just responded to this or that, or who got tagged in a photo. If they want me to know, I figure they’ll tell me. Example: I once sent a drunken, late night email to my entire contact list, with the message: “I like cheese.” I got several encouraging responses (including two invitations to rehab), but the best one was: “Cheese is good.”
3. Somehow I’m getting messages (usually invitations) from people not on my friend list. How’d they get past my Facebook firewall? They slip the doorman a fiver? Well, you wasted your money, dude. There’s not much chance I’ll be attending the “Moonlight Glitter Ballet Vegan Potluck Rain Dance in Regina, Saskatchewan” next Friday.
4. Spammers and scammers. Fake posts from friends about free iPads or Wal-Mart gift cards or a mountain of other shit I know they’d never touch with a ten-foot pole. Girls in the right hand column with great big giant boobs who want to “get with me.” Offers of a recording contract because I used the word “guitar” in my profile. Phony alerts. Fake IMs. Bullshit messages. Facebook-generated emails. I’ve seen ‘em all, and the wheat of Facebook just ain’t worth the chaff of spam.
5. Facebook never forgets anything. Ever. Your personal information is the gateway to your privacy and your protection. Your shit will be compromised; it’s just a matter of time. And you know what’s crazy? We give it up willingly.
6. “Heart” or “Like” apps that keep sending me messages saying stuff like, “I love my children! If you love your children, press ‘like’!” Then if I don’t press the stupid link that would take me to some silly app, I feel guilty about not loving my children. I mean, I like them okay.
7. Facebook changes its format every few months, just when we’ve all gotten used to the last change. I still can’t find how to unfriend somebody. They need a button that allows me to haul off and just unfriend the shit out of someone.
8. Constantly exhorting me to suggest friends to other friends, and to friend people I “may” know. It’s become a contest to see who can have the most friends, which is really what ruined MySpace. That, and the bloatware. MySpace takes forever to startup. I feel like, “Come on, man, I am in a hurry to start wasting my time!”
9. Reach Out: I love this one. Here’s some lonely bastard who doesn’t seem to be checking his Facebook page as compulsively as your dog checks his food bowl. Send him an update, or maybe a photo of that bottle of beer you’re about to drink.
10. “Top News” vs “Most Recent.” Who decides? They’re doing a terrible job of weighting the importance of posts. Recent “Top News”: “The air is smoky today.” Wow, thanks for that game-changer. No windows here in my laptop fortress.
11. Facebook Places. I know this has huge appeal to narcissistic Facebookers who want everyone to know not just what they’re thinking and experiencing at all times, but also where they are. But I have a hunch it’s going to be the tipping point, the single issue that will precipitate Facebook’s jumping of the shark. It’s not just the app itself, it’s the way Facebook forces you to wade into your settings to UNcheck it if you don’t want it. Nefarious, underhanded, sneaky and oily. Makes telemarketing look selling Girl Scout cookies.
Facebook gave the self-absorbed what they want, and that’s going to spell the end of another social media phenomenon. Starting with me.
[Bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire and check back for more anti-social honky-tonk commentary.]
HDAD, nice touch.
True enough I went to your page and found:
Adel Al Baloshi: Hey I have great news. Did you know that if you have a computer you can start making money right now ? I started this job 3 weeks ago and i’ve gotten 2 checks for a total of $3150 and that is enough to comfortably replace my old jobs income, especially considering I only work about 10-13 hours a week from home.
Yes, well, we don’t ALL have our very own column to share our thoughts with the world.
I actually agree with you on many of these points. (And I use a bunch of add-ons to filter the heck out of things.) But I still love Facebook.
Hey Bob,
I posted a link to this on facebook. Do you see the irony of that? I couldn’t agree with you more. But I still think facebook has connected a lot of people who otherwise would have had no way of finding “old school mates, exes, and relatives.” I admit, I too spend 39 minutes more on facebook than I should. I spend 42 minutes of my life on it then I go out and talk to people (yep, real live people). Thanks for the enlightening and amusing article.
I posted a link to this on facebook. Do you see the irony of that?
No, could you explain it to us?
I agree that Facebook doesnt replace actual human interaction, but if you keep your friend network small enough, it truly is a nice, fast, easy way to share those pics of your kids , small snippets from your daily life, and so on with your ACTUAL friends who may or may not live far away from you. Personally, i literally have such a busy life that I don’t have a whole lot of time to socialize. Facebook allows me to keep a small thread of contact going with people i may only be able to see once or twice a year. Most of my friends I see about once a month. In the meantime, its nice to be able to share art I am working on, music I have written, and so on.
You also forget how many people out there are pretty house-bound and would be pretty isolated if it werent for Facebook. The internet has saved my sanity during long bouts of illness , when i was a stay at home parent, and when i was a very alone single parent needing some support and human contact at a time when washing dishes for a living and going to school and taking care of a 4 year old just didnt leave time for mucyh.
Sorry Bob, i mean this in the most friendly manner, but the most ironic thing is that New West is an online journal. You are posting this incredibly long, opinion rant to an online audience of people you will never meet and aren’t interacting with personally. I wager your reason for being a published writer have much in common with a lot the Facebook crowd. Yours is just a lot more long winded! Maybe if the posts you see there are bugging you or are shallow, all you really needed to do was shorten your “friends” list to the people who are actually close to you? I try to keep mine to a list of people whose little ramblings are dear to me because i like them in real life.
If you dump facebook, fine.. its not for you. But for those of us who like to communicate with a small audience on a semi-regular basis, why knock it like it’s so evil? It’s not a replacement for social reality, but neither is New West.
Good grief, Charlie Brown. So it’s fine and dandy to promote yourself on facebook but not fine to actually be a real person on facebook. Maybe it’s just me, but your overly long screed sure does reek of hypocrisy. And only 61 examples of your intolerance? Surely you can do better than that…
Well said, anony-Face. I avoided Facebook for a long time, over concerns about its security. I joined for non-personal reasons, but stayed because I like it for what it is, and does. It’s “my tribe” on the intertubes, not the whole, whacked-out shebang (and not the thin slice of the shebang that I happen to follow or stumble on).
Bob, if your view of Facebook sucks, maybe you need different friends.
It’s a lot more interesting to consider WHAT Facebook is, and WHY it’s the biggest success, by far, in the history of social media.
Wait a second. Bob, you originally had HDAD in your piece and you “corrected” it to ADHD? Where’s the humor in that?
Nice Rant.
Except for 13. If the other guys were in control, you’d not list it. You’d be calling it a vital service.
Dang it – just like on FB I just wasted 10 minutes reading this article!
From Facebook’s privacy settings page:
“Get the Facts about Places
There is a false rumor that Facebook shares your location without your knowledge or consent.
You control your information on Facebook. With Places, you choose when to share your location by checking in or allowing friends to check you in. Your location is never given to anyone automatically.”
You still have to uncheck the box that allows friends to check you in.
I used to enjoy reading your posts. Not so much anymore. You used to be funny but you have become so negitive lately that I can’t read you anymore. There was not one funny thing in this post, not even your attempt at freshman humor ie. (I’m looking at you, middle-aged hungover guy at Burning Man with a rain stick in his bunghole.) What part of this is funny? What part of that was true? To me, it was just plain vulgar. Bob, if we were all as smart as you, where would that leave you? Speaking of Typos, who is dumber, the people who don’t take the time to learn the difference between “they’re” and “their.” or people who can’t find the unfriend button? They’re both broadcasting their ignorance to the entire world. And maybe parts of space. I think you should seek out a good counsler because it is my belive that you my friend, are having serious issues. One more thing, like you told the people who were unhappy with there city or job, to change their job or place to live if they’re not happy. Well it’s time for you to do just that, disconnect from facebook. You may even feel better about yourself.
Yeah, this post was too long, too over the top. I’ll admit that. I’ve been compiling a list of things I hate about Facebook, and this column is the result of that. And I’d be an idiot to keep participating in something I find so aggravating. So yeah, I’ve ditched my Facebook account.
And as for the comment above that compares NewWest with Facebook, you’re off the mark. NewWest is not a social networking site. Apples and oranges, baby.
Onward!
this is about me, no?
So, Bob, will you be my real-world friend?
Confirm or Ignore
@Lee:
Finally, someone has been able to see through all this bluster and determine that all I really wanted was *sniff* a real friend…
You have a facebook page? I go to your web site which involves looking it up on google everytime cause I’m too brain dead to save it in my favorites.
Run–don’t walk–run to the library to read Bowling Alone.
Then you can writhe in painful agony of remorse as you realize what facebook emigres will be doing after you’ve convinced them
to debarr…
“It’s all shallow, self-indulgent, existential fragments of nothingness.” “Oh, I’ll maintain my music page purely for the self-promotion aspect.” So it’s all shallow except for the grandpanjandrum’s fascinating music page! Priceless! Could it be that his music page is part of the shallow, self indulgent, existential fragments of nothingness that he abhors in other peoples profiles? Seems likely that it could be.
Hahahahahaha I just LOVE the hypocrisy!
Do you have any idea how incredibly stupid and hypocritical this article makes you appear? It is like after watching porn on the interent and then decided you didn’t want to do it anymore, writing an article denouncing the entire world wide web because you can see naked people there. You say you are angry, you don’t want to do it anymore, expect just the music part. What you are saying is you just figured out how to use and filter your Facebook page. Congratulations, a little slow, but you did it. The quality of Facebook depends on the person using it. All you have done is shown by talking down a great application is you will try cheap, shallow sensationalism to get your readers going, or you really are a stupid, stupid person.
Why don’t you tell us what you really think, Brad?
Now you should tackle the Second Life crowd.
Yet Bob is still on Facebook, which renders the entire rant pointless and hypocritical.
Go figure.
Bob is not on Facebook. My page is gone. Do a search. My Appreciation Society, though, lives on…
Love him or hate him, Bob Wire is always unpredictable.
I signed onto Facebook because it made it easier and quicker to post comments on the Slatest. That’s all I use it for. Wasn’t interested in making new friends or socializing. I still plan to post my photo but haven’t gotten around to it. I guess its just another internet tool that you can use as much or as little as you want.
ed’s Note: Wall of text, yeah I know.
===========================
Hey Nancy, you wrote…
“But I still think facebook has connected a lot of people who otherwise would have had no way of finding “old school mates, exes, and relatives.” ”
So out of all the people you chose not too keep in touch with as you lived life, how many do you actually hang out with (in real life that is) now since you have reconnected with them on facebook? Did your reconnection answer some long life question you had or was it merely a nostalgic endeavour? Maybe you got to see where they were and it made you feel better about yourself because you are doing “better” than they are.
Personally, I have not seen one positive thing come out of facebook from all the real people I know. Sure, lots of good has come from one of my 900 facebook friends (Look at me! I’m so popular! You should friend me!) but out of my real friends, the only common thing I see that facebook is good for is:
a) wasting their workday and evening catching up on gossip
b) meeting up with an ex so they can cheat on their spouse (guys and girls here)
c) playing games that have no end and that also have zero depth and zero purpose.
The best thing about facebook is what bob talked about earlier. Marketing. People are more than willing to share their personal information with everyone and they don’t even care enough to read the small print so they look confused when they start getting mail and telemarketers calling them. I have friends who have made a mint of the idiots on Facebook who think that their info is private (just because you mark it as private, doesn’t mean it’s really private – do some digging and you will see).
500 million people on facebook is not something that will go down as one of humanity’s greatest achievements.
Sound like a rant? Sure it does.. Maybe it’s because I’m at work doing work while Pathetic Pete and Stupid Sally spend their day “working” on facebook and I get to pick up the slack for it. Or maybe because when I go to parties, I have to talk to people who brag about how many friends they have on facebook. As Bob mentioned. We don’t care and we actually consider you to be an idiot if you talk about facebook at a party. 2-3 years of this can start to grate on someone after a while and I guess after reading Bob’s long post, I felt compelled to spill my guts on it too.
/wall of text.
lol – these quotes are classic.
“But for those of us who like to communicate with a small audience on a semi-regular basis, why knock it like it’s so evil?”
—If you communicate with them semi-regularly, why do you need Facebook? Why not email or meet up in real life once every six months?
“You also forget how many people out there are pretty house-bound and would be pretty isolated if it werent for Facebook. ”
—Yes, so housebound people should not try to get out and talk to people in the real world because they have Facebook and they no longer need to combat their fears or rise to the challenge and get outside. Shame on them! Stay housebound – we don’t want to see your face!
“It’s a lot more interesting to consider WHAT Facebook is, and WHY it’s the biggest success, by far, in the history of social media.”
—yes, the long and archive filled history of social media. The only success here is for marketing companies and game developers like Zynga.
“Now you should tackle the Second Life crowd.”
—Second Life is on it’s way out – people there have realized what Facebook people have yet to figure out.
And for those who like to post pics and other pieces of electronic data, you may be wondering why you see some of those pics being used for other purposes. Why you ask? Because you no longer own it. Anything you post on Facebook does not belong to you – Facebook is free to do with that info/data as they want. You have to wonder when your children’s pics will end up on some unsavoury site.
But the reason people write and broadcast things to an audience is the same whether you are writing diatribes for New West or posting your diatribe on Facebook. Its not apples and oranges.
And to the person who said that the housebound should get up and leave the house and join the real world? Clearly you have never had a major illness which prevented you from doing just that. you missed my point entirely. Believe it or not, some people really CANT leave thier house, and having a way to socialize can save people from depression. Or at least help a little. Having been in that position, I have to just gape at your response in amazement to your ignorance.
Social Networking is not inherently bad. New West allows comments.. Facebook allows commetns.. um. there is a social activity happening here. I don’t think everyone uses either medium very well sometimes, and I agree with the comment above: I used to LOVE your writing.. if you were literally keeping a list of all the things you hate about Facebook, maybe you should start keeping a list of all the things you love about your real life friends, or somethign POSITIVE.
I am not even a computer nut, i dont even have a television, i think too much screen time is unhealthy.. but i just cant really buy into the amount of venom you have for people who choose to use something you dont. I dont watch movies very often, even, but I don’t think people are stupid for wasting 2 hours in front of a movie instead of talking to each other.. i see the draw, i get it..i even love some movies.. its just not what i do with my time. So i think your article just came off way too prejudiced and narrow-minded. I still think you’re one of the best writers in this town, so I hope you come out of this negative mindset soon!