New West Colorado, Idaho, Montana, New Mexico, Utah, Wyoming
It was halftime of the Green Bay-Seattle playoff game on Saturday, and I had just gotten off the couch to promote myself some nachos in the kitchen. Our dog, Houdini, suddenly started barking like mad, and then the doorbell rang. Wow, I thought, it’s almost like he’s clairvoyant. Or perhaps he can see through that big window right next to the front door.
I grabbed my half-full (always the optimist) bottle of Red Hook ESB and went to the door. I opened it up to find two women standing on the porch, smiling warmly, clutching Bibles. I could see their black Lexus parked at the curb at the foot of my driveway. Great, I thought. The freakin’ neighbors have turned me in. Found out I was an atheist and sicced the Christians on me.
“What took you so long?” I said, bracing myself for the intervention. The younger of the two gave me a quizzical look, then took a step forward and opened up her Bible, pointing to a lengthy passage. “I assume you’re familiar with the Lord’s Prayer. When was the last time you said it out loud?”
“Oh, not since the fourth quarter of the Miami-Pittsburgh game. Jesus Christ, did you see that sloppy field? It looked like they were playing in a goddamn barnyard!”
“Um, no,” she said, glancing down at my boxer shorts. I had flopped out. “I missed that one. Um, do you have a robe or something?”
I quickly tucked my Little Toby back in and hastily apologized. “Sorry. Sometimes he just needs some air, I guess. Anyway, I don’t…”
“Our father, who art in heaven…” she began.
“Which,” I said.
“What?”
“Which. I think the original prayer says ‘which.’”
Normally, by this point, I would have had Rusty pour the boiling oil down from his bedroom window, but she was attractive, and had nice legs. So I humored her.
“Well, anyway, the Lord’s Prayer is a passage that can be…”
“I’m an atheist,” I interrupted.
Her cohort, who was positioned on a lower step a few feet behind her, piped up for the first time. “Maybe you’re an agnostic? You’re questioning your faith?”
“Nope. Been a devout atheist since I was 15,” I said.
“Atheist? Really?”
“Swear to God. I have my own blend of spirituality, and it doesn’t involve an old white man wearing a toga. It comes a lot closer to the Native American way of worshiping the Earth, being a part of the Earth. But I’m also an existentialist. A pragmatist.” Then I let her have it with both barrels: “A secular humanist.”
Unfazed, the looker cocked her head a bit, and said, “So you think that the Earth and all God’s creatures were just created out of nothing? You don’t see the hand of God in everything?”
“To quote Lou Reed, I don’t believe in magic; I believe in numbers. It’s from ‘Magic and Loss.’ Great album. I believe in science. I believe in the evolutionary theory. I believe in carbon dating. I believe in the existence of fossils that are millions of years old. I think the Big Bang theory holds some water. I guess I just don’t feel the need to have the answers to how it all began. I really don’t care. I just decided early on that I can’t buy into the whole Judeo-Christian doctrine, man. I mean, come on. A lot of the Bible sounds like a magic show. Turning water into wine? Loaves into fishes? Coming back from the dead? It’s all just a little too much to swallow, really. And Moses parting the Red Sea? I’m supposed to buy that? I’ll bet it was just low tide.”
She started to stammer, but I pressed on. “I’m not saying you’re wrong to believe whatever you want. Each of us is free to have his or her own beliefs, our own faith. I’m a live-and-let-live kinda guy, you know. Whatever gets you through the night. But I also believe that people should not try to cram their religion down someone else’s throat. My values and the Christian values have a lot in common, actually. A lot of the differences between us are just semantics.”
She thrust her Bible at me. “But look in here. It shows how the Lord provides a Kingdom of Man that will allow all of us to live on in eternity after we pass from this world.” She was starting to talk pretty fast, and her cheeks were apple-red.
“Oh,” I said, tucking Little Toby back in after he’d flopped out again to see what all the ruckus was. “We’re gonna pass from this world, all right.” I took a pull off the Red Hook. “We’ve ruined the planet. Fouled our own nest. You ever read any Kurt Vonnegut? Yeah? He was a pretty sharp cookie. He said that it’s too late for us to do anything now. Our species won’t be around for three more generations. James Lovelock? Heard of him? The Gaia theory? This planet is more than just a dirt-covered rock. It’s a collection of systems that makes up one big system. It’s pretty much a living organism in and of itself.” I was on a roll. “The planet is going to be fine. Right now global warming and tornadoes in Washington and worsening hurricanes, all that, it’s not God’s wrath or some Sunday School horror story. It’s the organism Earth trying to rid herself of an irritating pest. The pest is us. The Earth will be fine.”
She exchanged looks with her fellow evangelist, who gave a nearly imperceptible shake of the head, signaling “let’s move on.” But the hallelujah hottie would not give up that easy.
“So, what do you think is going to happen after mankind is wiped from the Earth? Don’t you know that the Lord is waiting for us all in the Kingdom of Heaven?”
“Kingdom of Heaven?” I said incredulously, giving Little Toby a reassuring scratch behind the ears. “You mean Las Vegas? Is that where that is? Because if we all end up in Vegas, well, that would serve this species right. That’s exactly what we all deserve. Sin City.”
Her eyes were shining with frustration and faith-based fervor. “No, I mean Heaven, which is a reward for all those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their savior. If you invite Jesus Christ into your heart, all your sins will be forgiven, and you will have a place waiting for you in Heaven. It’s all right here in the Bible.” Again, she thrust the black book at me.
“You know, I have read the Bible. When I was a teenager. Maybe I’ll read it again. I mean, it’s a good book. Not THE good book, but a good book. I just happen to think that it’s fiction. Kinda like Harry Potter, but with fewer girls.”
A miracle transformation came over her face, as she decided to turn the other cheek. She tucked her blonde hair behind her ears, pulled her sweater tightly around her, and put her Bible under her arm. “Well, ah, thanks for your time. I hope you do decide to read the Bible again, and that you can find some hope in there for mankind.” She lifted her chin at her fellow evangelista, and they walked down the driveway toward their gleaming Lexus.
“Have a good afternoon, ladies,” I called. “Give ‘em hell!”
[Cheater's Note: I have gone back and corrected a couple of minor mistakes that distracted from the article as a whole. Thanks to those who pointed them out to me. Nobody's perfect. ~BW] [Bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire today, and ye shall be delivered!]
http://www.top-blogs.com/cgi-bin/rankem.cgi?id=ednor59
http://www.humor100.com/cgi-bin/rank/rankem.cgi?id=ednor59
Is Toby’s last name Tyler? I believe he ran away to the circus to cavort with the animals and trapeze girls.
Being an atheist, I guess you don’t care which goddamn team wins? To hell with them.
Speaking of Kingdom of Heaven, you are lucky Orlando Bloom didn’t show up with a broadsword to joust with Toby.
If a snake charmer had been on your doorstep, would Toby do a decent cobra immitation?
Bravo.
I can just see you standing there with your boy introducing yourself with an arm wave, “I am a father, this is my son, and here are my holey shorts.”
I’m not so sure about his whole article Bob. It sounds like a desperate cry for spiritual guidance. I know just who to call to help you out, all I need is your home adr……. oh wait, I have it right here.
Yes, yes, yes!
Growing up in the northern Rockies, my vision of the West was that of a society in which religion was a personal and private matter. These days, the West seems to be infested with an inordinate number of luxury SUVs sporting stickers of a counterfeit Calvin kneeling at the cross. (Which, by the way, is a copyright violation, which amounts to stealing, which means that these hypocrites are both breaking one of their commandments AND disregarding Jesus’ admonition to render unto Caesar…)
Thanks for a great read.
Nice… You really showed them. I can see you’re really proud of this one. Go apply for a Darwin Award.
Being a fellow atheist, I applaued you for letting them stay on your porch for so long. Like an elephant, Toby should have grabbed the bible and ate it. But then you’d be crapping out pages for weeks. This was a fun read, look forward to the next one.
Nice work, will this work on baptists as well? We sure get a lot of those. If they can read the bible they should be able to read the NO SOLICITORS sign. I’m thinking about adding a little more amperage to the doorbell button!
Entertaining as always. Bravo.
As an atheist I must say I always find it entertaining when someone shows up unsolicited at my door to try to tell me how great jesus is and how much better my life and afterlife could be if I just accepted him. I always wish, after they have left, that I had gone to the door in a bad enough mood to just shut the door on them. But I’m not usually in that kind of mood till after they’ve left or I just end up feeling sorry for them wasting their life away going door to door.
Maybe I should stop putting on pants and putting down my beer to open the door. But it sounds like that doesn’t make them give up any quicker either.
“who” is the subject of verb “art” the relative clause “who art in heaven”, so it should indeed be “who”
YES! You’re right, of course. I was wondering how long I’d get away with that one…
so you missed how much of the packer game for this?
To be honest (as far as you know), I switched it off after the first four minutes and went to the closet to dig out my old Seahawks windbreaker and hat, so I could wear them during next week’s NFC Championship game.
Hilarious. Nice illiterations! “Frustration and faith-based fervor,” should be in a song.
Those people don’t drive Lexi in my part of town but they do drop off way too many copies of “Watchtower” which has goddamn amazing illustrations and graphic design! They must have to give out a lot of candy to get those grade schoolers to do all that work.
Absolutely hilarious
No, it’s definitely “who art in heaven.” Don’t make us atheists look bad by making such a rookie grammar mistake.
oh my word. that was fantastic.
“counterfeit Calvin kneeling at the cross. (Which, by the way, is a copyright violation, which amounts to stealing”
Bill Watterson never licensed Calvin and Hobbes and never put out one product with their likeness. You can draw them all day long and put them on t-shirts and you won’t be breaking any law. The strip is as untouchable as a towel washed in Downy softener.
a copyrighted work doesn’t need a licensing agreement, or manufactured products. i’m not sure what that has to do with copyright law.
with the creation of the work, a copyright exists. whether or not the copyright owner sues, it is potentially state or federal copyright infringement to use the likeness of another’s work that is substantially similar. unless the author or owner has deemed it for public use, or it has gone into the public domain.
Copyrights?? Jesus?? Football?? Toby Keith?? SUVs?? Anal-retentive grammar?? Summarizing these comments reminds me of the last time I smoked crack right after I dropped blotter acid. I friggin’ love it. Could we squeeze in stem cell research, semi-hollow body guitars, and date rape? Man, this is where all the good stuff resides-Kudos to Bob my fellow Bob readers!
Kudos??? Aren’t those things a nasty candybar that grammars hand out at Halloween?
There once was a write named Bob
Who itched and scratched his Toby until he sobbed
Then one day
The church ladies did say
Stop hanging on your cross like a blob.
You should have hit on the hot one more. Would have been fun to see her devout reaction.
I wonder how you would have written this up if Tom Cruise or one his fellow believers had arrived on your doorstep? Which fable is least fantastic – a) aliens brought life to this planet or b) Something created like everything in 7 days. I just hate this little observation because I so want to ridicule TC.
I,v always wondered how to explain the feeling that we are not alone. The “Bible” is a moral handbook. You really don’t know right from wrong?; Read the bible. It was wrote for those, before and after
Crist, to help those with no hope. You have to realize what the world was like back then. Prostitution, murder, theft, Oh, it sounds just like today! So, why are we going to follow “something” that hasn’t helped yet? If your over the age of 10, do you still believe in Santa? I have
got to give those guys credit who actually wrote the bible. They seen how there world was, with no guidance, “We’ll tell them “God” told us what to write this, and they will want change SO bad they will follow.” Get our friends off drugs, make them smoke some marijuana. Your wife gripes TOO much, make her smoke some marijuana. I bet Jesus knew what marijuana was, he fed it to his followers so they could see him change water into wine. I’ll quit rambling, Remember that we are nothing more than what we are.
thats awesome dude, that story put a smile on my face while im supposed to be getting some work done today. at least one of them were hot
Were all Christians, were all atheists, were all all – arguing amongst ourselves with each other, aloud.
Science, though, is the most pressurized throat-shover OF all. (except for, of corse, the meek and informed, absurdest researcher)
no?
That was just beautiful, almost brought a tear to my eye.
I should try the “flop-out” secret tech next time I get evangelized. It isn’t public exposure if you’re still in your own house!
Were they, or rather was she, the hot one, porn star hot? This seems to be a trend for the new “hypochristians”, smokin’ hot broads, big gas guzzlers and or expensive cars, showboating, Coke smuggler mansions. If they would only answer the question, “What would Jesus do?” I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t hang out with the Christians, or indulge in their uberlust of all things material. I’m just sayin’! I prefer to answer the door in a cloud of cannabis smoke, with Slayer on the sound system, but alas, Red Hook works just fine!
“I wonder how you would have written this up if Tom Cruise or one his fellow believers had arrived on your doorstep?”
You know, as fun as Crazy Scientologist Tom is, I think Crazy Christian Tom would be even more of a gas. Then we’d probably get to see Crazy Christian Tom fight Chuck Norris for the love of Mike Huckabee.
Ross is wrong, Penny is right.
Copyright requires no licensure-
therefore…
Counterfiet Calvins!
Go Darwin Fish!
wonder why some people feel the need to belittle others?…
Maybe an inferiority problem.
I think the inferiority comes from the insecure people knocking on doors trying to convince others to believe in a piece of fiction as though it were the truth.
I’m half black and half Mexican and I’m curious as to what some of you feel about how important spirituality plays into our lives? It really concerns me when Tony Dungy can be extremely open about his faith in all areas of his life and thats fine – he’s black and doesn’t know any better.
I may not live my life as the bible says I should but If I need inspiration people of faith like Tony Dungy have done more to get me feeling good about myself and my community than any bleeding heart liberal.
In fact, I’ll go a step further and say that you are even more racist than the white hooded baptist southerners back in the day. Your racism lies assuming that having faith is on our level because you are our caretakers – white guilt ridden athiests are gonna make up for slavery by taking care of the colored folk! We can go ahead and dance in grass skirts and worship whatever we want – as long as we can on the bus to go to the poll station to vote Democrat, your people will keep showing up at our churches asking for that vote.
My friend Bill was a history graduate student. He was both a serious scholar and hedonist, could read original historical and religious texts in five languages and was a devotee of the Kama Sutra.
One day the doorbell rang and there were a couple of young men of the Mormon persuasion. Bill invited them in and launched into a scholarly discussion of biblical studies, citing the Latin Vulgate, Dead Sea scrolls, King James version, the Koran (in Arabic, of course) and the Book of Mormon.
Bill had much of this memorized and demonstrated to the Mormon lads the similarities in passages between these “good” books — plainly suggesting that ol’ Joe Smith was a creative plagiarist.
Meanwhile, Bill’s girlfriend of the day, a limber lass of great flexibility and enthusiasm, was walking around in a large dinner shirt — and nothing else.
The Mormon lads soon decamped. Whether they were enlightened, aroused or throughly confused, only Heaven knows.
I lol’d. I don’t know what some o fthe crazies who posted before me had stuffed up their rears, but for a few I think it may be their own heads.
Good on ya. I’ve never had anything clever to say to people trying to sell thei religion to me, other than “No *close door*” and *run away* “F*ck off!”
I do hope you don’t stand at the window and let Toby wave at the school kids going by, no matter how proud you are to show him off.
I really doubt it went down like this. They have rehearsed scripts for atheists… they would have kept on talking while you were talking.
Although the story is funny, I doubt how accuracy of the specifics.
After putting a blade to their throats, I wonder if Bob and Toby share the same after shave.
Yep, sounds just like ‘em. tryna shove their religion down your throats. and jesus was jewish, and most likely had a large nose, and how come none of the pictures of the white man in a toga have a big nose? this was quite eloquently written, and i enjoyed reading it, but i have to second Tony, they do have rehearsed scripts for just about every religion, Judaism, Buddhism, Islam, Taoism, Aetheism (i dont know if that is actually a real word, and if not, i just coined it
, Rastas, and hell, even other Christians that don’t believe in the exact same stuff as them.
i also doubt the veracity of your speaking eloquence, because either you are a very well versed person, and can think of responses on the fly, or you modified your actual speech, and made it sound better in this article. but your article was very enjoyable.
can someone answer me this, why are there so many Christian groups/sects/paths that all believe in Jesus, but each has their own church, and doesn’t really consider each other “saved.” For example, Protestants, Lutherans, Baptists, Methodists, Evangelicals, Catholics, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witness, Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Armenian Orthodox, and the list continues…
Dude. Get outa my head… it’s a little crowded in here.
(Excellent story.)
Lolz. Yeah, that’s right. Plural LOL.
Awesome. I always love it when you can stump a fundie with their own words.
I usually go with the honest “I’m pagan” attitude…which generally leads to talk of Satan worship. It blows their minds when they find out I graduated from a Christian college.
While I have faith in my own form, I value the “to each his own” point of view. No one should go door to door selling religion.
Yeah, dude, i totally feel ya, (only, from the other side of the conversation)
im a christian, but what i can’t stand more than anything is seeing people around me think its right to force feed faith to you, so to speak. it just bugs the crap outta me…
anyway, way to tell em man! i totally wish i knew more people like you, ya’ know? free speaking and all that jazz….unfortunetly we live in a society where everybody judges everybody else….
My house has 20 foot long entry way. At the end of the entry way, opposite the front door, is a table. On the table there’s one of those enormous unabriged dictionaries from the 1940′s, open, on a stand.
One day a pair of missionaries came to call. While I was talking to them at the front door, one of them noticed the dictionary at the other end of the entry.
“Wow, that’s a really big Bible,” he said.
I know this thread’s been inactive for a long time but I just found it and had something to offer.
A number of people have commented on the perplexing problem of fending off people who come to your door to proselytize. When I was back in college, my partner and I found the perfect way to deal with this problem.
When you see these people coming to your door … answer the door naked or as barely-clothed as you can manage. Believe me, they won’t come back!
And they seem to have some method of interfaith communication because after we tried this once, we found that NONE of them, from any faith, came to our house for years.