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Bob Wire Blog

How To Survive the Flooding

From record snowfall last winter to relentless rains this spring, state agencies and weather forecasters have been warning us for months that when melt-off begins in earnest, we’ll be looking at ten pounds of river in a five pound bag. But how can anyone be surprised that their driveway is now a boat ramp? All you needed to do was consult the mother of all weather forecasting tools, the Holy Bible.

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Osama bin Laden’s Final Day

Bin Laden is in a bad mood, and his day is starting out poorly. The cacophony of the children playing on the third floor has reached a deafening pitch, and he throws his hands up in the air. “Enough! You little beasts go play in the basement! I can’t even hear myself terrorize!” He mutters to himself: “Oh, if I could go back in time I would trade one thousand goats for a single package of condoms.”

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NASCAR Doesn’t Belong on the Sports Page

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be into NASCAR, nor am I trying to cast aspersions on fans of racing. It’s just not my cup of Mountain Dew. Still, I have to wonder how the hell hundreds of thousands of fans will spend wheelbarrow-loads of money to see these races every weekend, and then bitch about paying $4.00 for a gallon of gas to run their Chevy Avalanche or F250.

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Come On, Admit It: Moms Run the World

Moms are graced with a skill set of special powers, abilities that somehow emerge during childbirth. Call it the Unknown Hormone. These powers include the ability to remember the birthdays of every single person in your family tree, find objects that have been lost since the Bay of Pigs, make a gourmet dinner out of Top Ramen and a packet of mustard, and detect any lie that a child utters, no matter how small or how white.

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Never Too Soon to Choose a Career, Son

"How about this program, dad? Personal Expression. Poetry, painting, sculpture, photography, creative writing, stuff like that. Looks pretty cool.” “Yeah, all that sounds great. You’re a creative guy, you’d probably enjoy it. But don’t expect to ever make any money doing any of that. Being a cartoonist or a musician might attract the chicks at first, but when they find out you’re Tap City, they’ll run off with the first real estate agent who gives her a ride in his Jag.”

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Chopped: The Best Cooking Show Ever

Welcome to my latest TV obsession, Chopped. It’s like the Rachael Ray Show, if she were held captive in a Nazi concentration camp, and the menu was created by William Burroughs. The Food Network has somehow hit on the perfect combination of elements to create the most devilish, entertaining game show on TV.

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The 1970s: Rock’s Best Decade Since the Sixties

The 1970s was simply the best decade for rock. It’s a subjective sentiment, partly borne of my being the right impressionable age at the right time, but you can’t argue with the ground-breaking and timeless music that was produced during that ten years that stretched between the birth of heavy metal on Black Sabbath’s debut album to the elegy for Bon Scott (the lead singer who died from alcohol poising which, in rock, is known as “natural causes”) on AC/DC’s scajillion-selling Back in Black

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Government Shutdown: Merry Xmas, Tea Party!

Everyone agrees that spending must be reduced, but President Obama and congressional Republicans seem unable to agree on how much to cut, and where the cuts are made. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s Demos are attempting to trim this rump roast of spending with a tiny keychain Swiss Army knife, while Speaker of the House John Bohner’s ruthless Republicans seem eager to kowtow to Tea Party extremists by savagely hacking away at social programs while leaving their beloved sacred cow of a military budget fat, dumb and happy.

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Does Booking Online Lead To Alcoholism?

After a long bout of serious online mano a mano, I finally got the flights booked. It only took two hours, three phone calls to Delta, and a half a bottle of wine. One of those gigantic bottles.

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March Madness Picks Simplified

Picking eight winners out of a field of 16 will be a cakewalk compared to last week, when I had to utilize my entire collected knowledge of NCAA basketball to fill out my original brackets for the March Madness tournament. Actually, it didn’t take that long because my entire collected knowledge of NCAA basketball would fit into the dot over the letter “j” in the word “idjit,” with enough room left over to store everything I know about electricity and plumbing.

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